Good day everyone,
How are we enjoying our week so far? Mine has been extremely busy but God makes everything so rewarding! Amen! After speaking with several readers, from the comments and the emails, I acknowledge that many have been through/are going through break ups. I believe it’s something that we need to address because a break up is one of the hardest things a human being will go through! I pray that all of you already in Godly relationships will not experience a break up but for those who have been through/are going through one will experience healing, restoration and liberation after reading this message. This message will be based on a sermon by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo (Senior Pastor of David’s Christian Centre and Love, Dating & Marriage). May we all be blessed, Amen.
We will be looking at three aspects- How to avoid it, when it is okay to break up a relationship and how to deal with it.
** Please note that this refers to relationships and NOT marriage; if you are married, you shouldn’t be thinking about breaking up but restoration. Amen. Before we delve into the message, it is important to state that marriage was started by God; not Adam not man; it was God’s idea. Marriage is built on God and the Word of God, if you can stay on the word, you will have a good marriage. Many people suffer in marriage and relationships because they have stepped out of the Word of God; don’t be led by feelings or sentiments.
How to avoid a break up!
It is better to avoid a break up totally; a break up is one of the most difficult things a human being can face. It is emotionally tasking and draining. It is a horrific experience! It is something you shouldn’t desire to go through! God doesn’t have to teach you something using a negative experience. You may learn from a break up but that is not God’s first choice; He wants us to learn from the word!
1- Enter the relationship for the right reasons.
When you enter for the wrong reasons, you already set yourself up for a break up. If you enter for the wrong reason, you’ve more than likely entered it with the wrong person. As a result, your chances are slim. Lay the right foundations, don’t enter for money or just for attraction. I’m sure you heard of those buildings that collapsed in Lagos, it wasn’t the devil! They were just built on the wrong foundation. It is the same thing with relationships and marriage. If you want to buy a car, you won’t just judge it based on the colour or looks. You will examine the engine, the interior, everything.
2- Prepare yourself.
Be ready and mature for a relationship. The number 1 reason for a break up is a lack of maturity. No relationship or marriage just breaks up. Some people act as though it was mystical or it was the devil. When you’re in High School or University, you may not be ready or mature enough. When you’re in School the things that appeal to you are not the same when you get out into the real world. You can’t make a permanent decision until you have attained a certain level of maturity. Have you noticed that the subjects you chose to study in High School aren’t necessarily the ones you practise today? What about the degree you chose to study at University? You may not necessarily work in that field today. What you chose then may not necessarily be what you’re interested in now. It’s the same thing with marriage and relationships.
3- Know the person well enough.
Take time to know the person well enough. Relationships are like “sweet and sour” sauce. A relationship most times is like that. When they meet, they only see the good parts of each other. When you first meet, you love everything about each other! You are wrapped up in emotions. After a few months, you start to see things that frustrate you. It is after this point when you see issues that need to be dealt with, this is good. Sometimes you see the problems and decide to break up. Other times, you see the issues and decide to solve them. Get to know each others flaws and see if you can live with them. Take time to know each other. Don’t rush it! Give it time, so you pass the sweet stage, the sour stage and you see the complete picture.
4- Get counsel!
Many people enter relationships without counsel. The Kingdom rules for marriage and relationships are very different from those in Magazines and talk shows. The way the Word of God says to do it is different from the principles of the World. If you follow the principles right, it will be well! I hardly find two true believers with “serious” problems in their relationships or marriage. For you to fail in a relationship or marriage, you dodged God somewhere. Get counsel! Why get counsel? In the Kingdom, when you get married, you submit your life to the man; that is too much power to give any human being. As a woman, you submit your whole life to the man but it doesn’t end there; that man must also be submitted to God- 1 Corinthians 11:3! God has said that the head of every home is the man; by the way men, this applies to your home alone. It doesn’t mean that you are the head of every woman in your Church of Office; you are just the head of your own wife. I certainly believe that God has a failure proof system for marriage and relationships, if both parties follow them faithfully. You are not meant to submit to a man who isn’t submitted to Christ; if you do, you are putting your life in danger. When God says you should submit, He expects that you submit to a man who is also submitted spiritually. Too many women are submitting to men who don’t even have a Church. Even Pastors have Pastors above them who preside over them. Don’t follow a man that has no authority! Men, neither should you follow a woman who has no authority; she won’t submit to you. A three fold cord is not easily broken- Ecclesiastes 4:12. Most break ups were two-fold! The third fold is God! God is not here on the earth; who are His representatives on the earth?- Churches, Pastors! God expects relationships to have someone to preside over the relationship and for the two of you to be submitted to God through His Church. When you want to start a relationship, take your partner to your mentors, your Pastors! Let them guide you, pray for you.
Proverbs 11:14- Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 15:22- Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counsellors they are established.
Proverbs 20:18- Every purpose is established by counsel: and with good advice make war
Let somebody that knows about the Word of God counsel you.
Let there be good communication and feedback! Don’t assume your partner is happy, be honest and open with each other! A married couple on their 50th anniversary, the wife cooked him a special meal and said “honey since it’s our 50th anniversary, I made your favourite”. The husband screamed and said “no, it is your favourite, I hate it but ate it because I thought you liked it”. It turned out they both hated the meal but had been eating it for 50 years! Communicate!! Ask each other if you’re happy, many times you are happy but your spouse isn’t! Don’t assume, find out.
6- Take time to pray!
Before you do anything pray! Many Christians today take this for granted! Before you finalise, pray! It is better to pray before you go than to get into the marriage and start praying for deliverance! Pray! Ask God before you make a decision! Be sure before you marry!
Proverbs 3:5-6- In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
When it’s okay to break a relationship
1- If you entered for the wrong reasons. E.g- All my friends are married, so let me just marry. I am the first child, my parents need a grandchild.
2- When the relationship is abusive– emotionally, verbally, sexually or physically. If your partner always insults, shouts at you or beats you up. If he’s beating you in a relationship, run out! He will kill you I’m marriage.
3- When there is no more trust; it is okay to back down. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing. When there is no trust, run away! There is nothing like 30% trust, you either trust him or not. When he/she is hiding their phone from you. What are you doing that you’re hiding your phone? You leave the room to pick up your phone? There must be openness and trust because when you get married, you must be open. Marriage, it is a covenant relationship!
Genesis 2:25- And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
The scripture above relates to everything, not just physical nakedness but openness in every area, financial, emotional and so on! No hiding of phones or emails! When you are married, you are ONE! It is not my phone, it is OUR phone. As such, you need to trust the person you are courting.
4- When he/she is totally ignoring the Word of God. What makes a marriage work is that two of you are totally committed to following the Word of God. The final say in your relationship or marriage is what the Word says. When the person isn’t following the Word, it is okay to break the relationship up.
5- When there is no more love- When it is now a drag! You are both pushing the relationship by all means! You feel tired and totally drained.
6- When there is no more peace– When you sense something is wrong spiritually. You can’t find your peace anymore. It is time to break up.
7- When the person has lost their salvation– Your partner was born again when you met but now, he no longer attends Church or prays. He is no longer a Christian. It is okay to break up the relationship.
How to get over a break up.
1- Accept it and let it go- The worst thing you can do to yourself is to hold on to something that no longer exists. Don’t let it linger, don’t drag it! If you need to cry, cry! But just accept it and let it go.
2- Don’t hurt yourself– Many people feel suicidal after and fall into self harm. Many run mad, walk into traffic and so on. One of the major reasons for clinical “madness” is a break up.
3- Don’t quarrel with the person– Don’t go and fight the person and request all the things you bought for them. Don’t send them threatening text messages or start bad mouthing them. Forgive them and move on.
4- Get close to God– Use the opportunity to get close to God. Only God can truly heal you. No rebound relationship will do that. Open up to Him and He will heal you.
5- Surround yourself with loving and sincere friends– Thos who will support you, love you. Those who are spiritually mature; not the ones who will ask you to threaten him and throw stones at his house.
6- Get involved in other activities– Get over it and get involved in positive activities. Join a department in Church, take up tennis, why not volunteer within the events ministry at Church? Start a book club or a positive blog. Don’t focus on the pain; move on.
7- Learn from the experience– Where did you miss it? Learn from the mistake so it won’t happen again. Most relationships, both parties would have contributed to the failure. What did you do wrong? Did you sleep with him? Were you jealous/controlling? In 90% of relationships that break, sex was involved. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
8- Don’t just jump into another relationship– That is a rebound relationship! Don’t do that to prove to the ex that you’re wanted! Give it time, so you can heal!
9- Cut off communication– Many people break up today and believe they can resume friendship tomorrow. I don’t mean you should be enemies but you need to get over the break up before you become friends. Remaining in close contact and proximity can increase the pain. When you meet the person again, it can rekindle the relationship and it can lead to a prolonged break up.
10- Note the reasons for the break up– Actually write down the reasons because after sometime, you may feel withdrawal symptoms. You may feel like you need to go back because you miss them. You need to remember what it was they did that hurt you.
I hope this has released grace to somebody who is going through a break up. I pray it has also helped couples to avoid the pitfalls some of us got into. God bless you all.