I think I should address this issue because, firstly as you all know, I am passionate about all things God and marriage but most importantly, Christ filled marriages. But secondly, 95% of the prayer requests are from women seeking their husbands. So, I believe this is an issue we must address. Also, I speak to a lot of people everyday; both in and out of Church and it seems they don’t know what they should look for. Guess what? If you don’t know, you won’t find. Is that agreed?
Firstly, I would like to say that before venturing out to measure someone up, why not look inwards first? A lot of us women have a long list of what we want in a man but even though we mean well, shall we assume that a men also have their lists? So, one of the first things I will say is- work on yourself because even if you do find the kind of man you would like to marry, he has to ask you (I hope we all know ladies should NOT propose). So, you must also have developed yourself; in character- are you respectful, respectful, polite, kind, patient, merciful and nice? Are you dresses appropriately and not like a call girl or a granny? A lot of women get it wrong here; you want to attract a man, so you go baring all, you can’t attract a good Christian man like that, they’ll flee! What you’ll get is a “dog”. Others want to show men they are serious christians and go overboard by dressing like a granny from the 60s. Please ladies! Remember, he has to like the exterior before he goes to investigate the interior.. PACKAGING! So, please keep a neat appearance, be nice and approachable, no need to frown! Wear your hair nicely and dress appropriately but fashionably!! Also spend your single days developing yourself, taking up a degree, getting a job and aiming high in your job. Men like intelligent women who can hold their own. Is it a business you want to start? Go ahead! Please, don’t remain a baby Christian. Get involved in Church, you can’t miss a Sunday or midweek service. Delve deeper, join a department, start a ministry, spend time knowing God; remember when choosing a husband. You also need to hear from God and you can’t be family with a voice you never heard! Get yourself ready and equipped by attending marriage seminars and investing in resources! To get the best, you also need to be the best!!
Now, what to look for.
1- The most important decision you’ve ever made in your life was giving your life to Christ! Don’t take that decision lightly! The first thing you need to look out for in a man is Christ! Yes, he must be a Christian. The Bible even ascertains this in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
It is simple! No matter how nice or wonderful someone is, if they don’t have Christ reigning in their life, please don’t marry them or attempt to start a courtship with them. Remember that the heart of man is desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). Not our fault but since we were conceived (Psalms 51:5); it is in our flesh. The only thing that can guarantee that your husband will not kill you at night or go into infidelity is the spirit of God! I am sure you have seen/heard many wicked, unfortunate and occultic things that occur in marriage. Save yourself the trouble and marry a genuinely born again man who is filled with the spirit of God.
How do I recognise a born again person you may ask? There’s an old saying- real recognise real! After spending ten minutes with someone, I can usually ascertain whether they are atheist, a luke warm Christian, a Church goer, a religious person or a genuinely born again person.
Not every person that goes to Church is born again. I work in a Church but on weekdays and on Sundays and I can tell you that! It’s not a cliche; it’s a fact! Not every person in the choir is a born again! Please beware! I met a “born again” man that is an usher in his Church, never misses a prayer meeting neither does he miss any Christian conferences or seminars, yet when we spoke, he explained that his previous girlfriend was a Pastor’s daughter and they were fornicating regularly. This is just an example. In some Churches, well known fraudstars attend services every Sunday and even give large tithes. Please don’t judge a Christian by their attendance or level of participation. You be a born again and you should be able to judge. AMEN.
Physical-Age is nothing but a number, yes we’ve heard it but I don’t think a boy of 19 should really be thinking about marriage. Though I know some men get married as young as 24 and some of them are extremely mature even more so than their counterparts who are 35. But, let’s be reasonable. The legal age for marriage is 18, yes! But, even at that age many people haven’t developed the right relationship with God, it takes time to develop maturity in all other areas and most times, that comes with time and experience.
Mental-This is not a measure of age but how developed a person’s thinking is. How responsible are they for their actions? Can they make decisions on their own or do they wait for their mother? Is he capable of planning? When you are married, you will be faced with a lot of decisions, bills and things to deal with..Can he cope with them? Is he a responsible person or an impulsive man?
Financial- If a man does not have a job, I don’t think he should be thinking about marriage just yet. Remember that marriage was God’s idea; and before He mentioned a help meet for Adam, He gave Adam the job of manning the Garden (Genesis 2:15). If a man has no job or income and you marry him and get pregnant, who will pay the medical bills? And when the triplets arrive, who will pay school fees? Please, even if he doesn’t have a great job, look at him and examine his potential? Maybe he has the potential to start his own business once God provides the capital. Don;t marry someone who is still receiving pocket money, don’t even attempt to court them. Also look at the way they keep their finances, does he pay his tithes faithfully? Does he save a fraction of his money? Does he pay his rent/bills on time or does he spend his money at once? These are things to consider.
Spiritual- One of the most important things you need to know is their level of spiritual maturity. What is his attendance at Church like? Can he miss Church for a football game? NO! You need a man who is in Church every Sunday and even at midweeks services. Does he serve in Church? Even if he’s not a regular worker, does he volunteer his time at Church? A man that serves God faithfully will most likely render the same service to you. Does he pay his tithes and sow into the Kingdom? Please NEVER court or marry a man who doesn’t! He will be stingy! But marry a faithful tither and enter into a world of fruitfulness, God will never let his pockets go dry and a man that tithes faithful even when things are bad, will also be faithful and honest to you. AMEN. When things are good, does he accredit God and testify? When things are bad, does he turn to alcohol and nigh clubs or to God and Church. Does he attend a Bible study? Does he read His Bible daily and have a devotional. Does he encourage you with scriptures or ask you to pray with him? Is he thirsty for God’s word? Attending seminars, buying CDs and books?
3- His view on marriage.
Is marriage an optional thing for him? Marry someone who is passionate about marriage and for the right reasons. What is his take on divorce and infidelity. Don’t get involved with someone who takes divorce lightly and thinks cheating is pleasant or part of marriage. Marry someone who treats marriage as sacred and pure. What does he think about courtship? Is that time for fornication? A man that wants to take you before marriage has NO respect for God or for you and after marriage, he will also take what doesn’t belong to him. Premarital sex is now a societal norm but we are not of this world. We are children of Zion, ladies you are princesses of Zion! Don’t let any man sleep with you before marriage, even after the engagement! Please! If you do things right, you will make it to the altar; then you can kiss and do all you want but NOT before. Kissing is fornication, Keep yourself pure and get his view on this. Go for a man that accepts the Biblical rules about this. AMEN. Courtship is the tim to know one another and to attend relationship/marriage seminar together. AMEN. Not for intercourse. Please.
Look for character in a man; is he responsible? Patient, is he kind. Don’t go for someone who loses his temper easily or someone who is always fighting or gossiping. How does he handle bad news? What does he do when things don’t go his way? Is he easily angered or jealous? Is he a loving and caring person? Does he treat people with respect? How does he treat the cleaners or drivers? He has to love you as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25), someone that doesn’t love the people around him, can’t love you.
Look for a man with a clear vision for his life and for his family. Every organisation has a clear mission statement. Look for a man with vision and direction. Someone who knows where he’s going, so you too can follow suit. Remember your role is to submit, please make it easy by marrying a man that you can easily submit to (Ephesians 5:22-23).
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
You can see that God himself commanded it to be so. Ensure you look for a man you can easily submit to. Not an aimless irresponsible person that you would find yourself trying to control. That was not God’s plan.
I’ve said this before, you can’t marry every Christian. Some Christians go to Church everyday; some twice a week. Some Christians don’t allow women to wear earrings, some even the men wear earrings. Some Christians don’t allow TV in their home, others love to attend fashion shows and music events. Everybody is different. There won’t be 100% compatibility between yourself and your spouse but are you compatible. You don’t have to like the same things, neither do you have to like everything about your spouse but are you compatible? Do you get along? Do you see yourselves living together? Do you balance each other out. Don’t look for someone exactly like you. E.g if both of you love shopping, you may spend school fees on clothes or if you both love talking, who will listen? Go for somebody whose character you like; especially in comparison to theirs and do you feel comfortable with them?
Marriage is for life! Marriage is about forgiving, loving and friendship but remember that you will live with that person forever and the Bible has even said that person owns your body (1 Corinthians 7:3-5); whenever they want it you will have to give it to him. A person’s looks shouldn’t be the only thing you look out for but, be pleasantly attracted to them. While, you shouldn’t have a long list of attributes he must have, ask yourself, am I happy to wake up to this face for the rest of my life? Is this the man I want to kiss on my wedding day? Make sure you are happy and proud of your choice.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
There’s so much more, but in order to keep in short and sweet, i’ll stop there!! The important thing to remember that no man is perfect and you may have had a long list of attributes previously, but focus on the things that matter; not his looks, his car or his educational qualifications. The important things are his standing with Christ, his character, maturity and your compatibility. I hope this helps and as you look for the right things, God will direct the right partners to you. AMEN